Forza Futbol

Ranieri out, now what?

Armando Javier — Wed, 20 May 2009 10:07:56 +0000

After an emotional three season, Juventus finally said goodbye to Claudio “The Tinkerman” Ranieri. These are very confusing times for a Juventus supporter, In a way, I feel as if… No, you know what? Fuck Alessio Secco! (for those of you who don’t know, it’s the guy at all the press meetings talking to his therapist on the phone. Oh yeah, he’s also the football director at Juve, aka the guy who buys players and fires coaches.) If Alessio Secco was concerned with Juventus’ improvement than he should have fired himself, and not a poor man who never had a chance in the first place.

"Hey, whatta ya know? I'm a douche bag!"

Part I: Moggi

Before Alessio Secco, there was a man, not just any man, but a knowledgable man, this man is Luciano Moggi. Moggi knew exactly how to run a team, sure, he may have rigged a ref or two, and sure, he may have harassed players into joining the team, but that Beautiful son of a bitch did it for the love of Juventus.

During his 12 year relationship with la vecchia signora, Juve won 7 Scudetti, 1 Italian cup, 4 Italian Supercups, 1 Intercontinental Cup, 1 UEFA Champion’s League tittle, 1 European Supercup, and 1 UEFA Intertoto Cup (hold on, let me catch my breathe). He signed Alessandro Del Piero, Thiery Henry, Zinedine Zidane, Fabio Cannavaro, Zlatan Ibrahimovic, Patrick Viera, Gianlouigi Buffon, Mauro German Camoranesi, David Trezeguet, Pavel Nedved, Emerson, Fabio Cappello… the list goes on. We went from a beautiful, Westminster Dog Show worthy pit bull, to Baby, the three legged dog.

"And thats a wrap, Mr. Obama." -"Great, now get this dog the fuck off me."

Part II: The Secco Years

During Alessio Secco’s three years at Juve we have managed to win 1 Serie B tittle, yeah, thats it. I know many of you are thinking, “hey, Juve got sent to Serie B, they are rebuilding, give them a break.” No, Alessio Secco is the worst talent scout in the history of Italian Football. During these past three years he managed to bring Tiago Mendes, Sergio Almiron, Jean-Alan Boumsong, Mohamed Sissoko, Dario Knezevek, Guglielmo Stendardo, Olof Melberg, Christian Poulsen, and the only decent transfer, which he over paid for by the way, Amauri. You know, I’m not an expert on football directing, but my gut tells me that if a player doesn’t have a picture on his wikipedia profile, than maybe I should look at someone else (come on, even feces has a picture. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Feces).

Part III: Current State of Affairs

Even though Alessio Secco made the worst transfer decisions ever, and even though over 13 players were injured throughout the season, Claudio Ranieri, bless his soul, managed to keep Juventus Champion’s league eligable all season. Any other team would have crumbled in that same situation. Roma had one player injured, Francesco Totti, and they were in the bottom of the league charts for a good number of weeks, they are currently struggling to make the UEFA Cup, not even the Champion’s League. Fiorentina’s Adrian Mutu, the homey crack head, got injured for a couple of weeks and went from 3rd to 7th place during that time, give or take 3 places. Hey, I don’t remember, I’m tired, whatever… my point is that Claudio Ranieri showed a great deal of discipline by managing this great handicap. Suddenly Juventus began losing games and Claudio Ranieri became a scape goat for Alessio Secco, and as is always the case, the fans began to complain and blame Claudio Ranieri for Juventus’ failing condition, and now he is gone.

Part IV: Secco Rides On

Juventus does not need a new coach, what Juventus needs is a football director that cares more about team than himself. Luciano Moggi may be one of the worst people in the history of football, but one thing that can never be questioned is his love and commitment to Juventus. Alessio Secco would allow Juventus to keep losing if it didn’t change the amount of money coming into the club. Juventus will not be the footballing super power it once was until Secco is fired. I can’t wait for Moggi to come back, Forza Juve.

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The “Special One” does it again?

Armando Javier — Mon, 18 May 2009 04:12:52 +0000

As you all know by now, Inter won the 2009 Scudetto for the fourth year in a row. I’m sure Inter fans are getting drunk, making a good pizza pie, and telling themselves, “yes, we deserve this!” but if you follow Serie A than you already know that the “special one” is not that special. Yes, I am a Juventus fan and I know I’m supposed to be mad because we lost, and you’re probably thinking this guy’s biased and he’s talking out of his ass, but it’s true, Mourinho did absolutely nothing. Alexi Lalas, the dumbest man in football, could have coached that team to a Scudetto.

Basura

Part I: 2008/2009

Let’s talk about the league first. This year was a very funny year for Serie A, not as funny as Calciopoli, but nevertheless, it was very odd. Roma came out to one of the worst starts it’s ever had because la diva was injured, and as a result they were in the basement of Serie A for a good number of weeks. AC Milan, football’s senior citizen camp, had a steady string of ties throughout the beginning of the season. Juventus had a number of freak injuries, over 13 players were injured throughout the season. My hats off to Juve, by the way, for managing to stay Champion’s eligible all season.

Part II: The Transfer

For all those who said, “Poulsen, Really?” I have two words for you, Quaresma Mancini. These two transfers are definitely the worst transfers of the year. Inter coughed up 18 million euros for him, Quaresma went on to play 13 games, scoring a whopping 1 goal. He is currently on loan on Chelsea’s bench. But it’s not all bad for Quaresma, don’t go feeling sorry for him, he did manage to take the Bidone d’oro (Golden Trashcan) this season.

Alessandro Faiolhe Amantino, aka Mancini, also deserves some recognition. After having a couple of good seasons with Roma, Mancini was called upon by Mourinho. Mancini went on to make 18 appearances and score another whopping 1 goal, not bad for 15 million euros.

18,000,000 + 15,000,000= 2 goals

Part III: Ghost of Calcio’s Past

The team holding up the scudetto trophy today was assembled by Roberto Mancini. After Calciopoli, Inter went through a series of come ups. Juventus got relegated to Serie B, Inter saw the opportunity and leached on. They took Juve’s leading scorer, Ibrahimovic, and turned him into their leading scorer. The most painful acquisition, however, was Patrick Viera.

(My apologies for the music)

Inter stole him for only 9.5 million, that was the handy work of Roberto Mancini. Roberto Mancini took advantage of the leagues weakness and gave Inter 3 titles, he should be given this forth one. Mourinho took over 3 time Champions, he added a group of players that did nothing except weaken Inter’s bank account. I truly believe that there should be a series of asterisks on Mourinho’s portfolio.

Part IV: History Lesson & Conclusion

For those of you who require a more academic explanation, here you go: Mourinho is equivalent to the United States during the Spanish American War, Cuba represents Inter, and the fall of Spain will represent the acquisition of the Scudetto. Cuba was winning the revolution against Spain in the late 19th century, the Cuban revolutionaries attacked potently and Spain was on the verge of collapse. Suddenly, the United States, aka “the special ones”, decided to go into Cuba (inter) and attack Spain (win the Scudetto). The United States came into Cuba with the Rough Riders (Quaresma and Mancini) and managed to drown 75 percent of their horses because of a miss calculation of the depth of the shore. The United States (the special ones) incompetently attacked Spain and in three months the war was over. When it was all said and done, the United States (Mourinho) was deemed the savior of Cuba (Inter). Do not let history repeat itself, Mourinho is no hero. Lets not praise Mourinho, for he is not that tight.

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